Scenes from the Hotel Kapaz: Ganja II

Setting: Hotel Kapaz

Prologue

The curtain raises. The foreigner takes his bag into his room, alone. He looks around. The bedroom is fine, if a bit run down. He thinks to himself, how can you screw that up? You just need a room and a bed. The complexity of a bathroom, however, is of a greater degree of magnitude and here, the system has broken down. There is no toilet seat, and the hand-held shower is missing the showerhead, making it effectively a hose. There is no towel or toilet paper, but a damp washcloth is wadded up on top of the sink, next to a very hairy bar of soap. The paint is peeling, plaster crumbling. The bare light switch threatens electrocution.

Foreigner: “Well, I’ve stayed in worse…”

Scene 1

It is dark, and the foreigner enters. Two friendly women on the staff are waiting, as usual, next to the elevators on the 6th floor, apparently the only one open to guests.

Floor Lady 1: “Oh, you were gone all day, what did you do?”
Foreigner (in primitive Russian): “Was good day – I see Heydar Aliyev Museum, History Museum. Eat dinner.”
Floor Lady 2: “Do you want some tea?”
Foreigner: “No, thank you.”
FL2: “Do you want sex?”

The foreigner is caught off guard.

Foreigner: “Sorry?”
FL2: “Do you want sex?”
Foreigner: “Um, no… thank you…”

This is a conversation killer. After a brief awkward silence the foreigner goes into his room.

Scene 2

The foreigner returns in late afternoon, tired and hot from a long day in Ganja. Floor Lady 3, a surly 70-something with whom he arranged that morning to do his laundry, corners him.

FL3: “That really was a lot of laundry. Can’t you give me an extra $3?”
Foreigner, to himself: “Well, we agreed on $6. But although this lady is very surly, she’s also old and pitiful. And I’m tired of arguing.”
Foreigner, to FL3: “OK. But this morning I showed you how much laundry it was, and we agreed on $6.”
FL3, face brightening as the foreigner pulls out his wallet. “Oh, thank you. You know, I really did a good job, I washed them really well. Here they are, except for your socks, I’ll bring those soon.”
Foreigner goes into his room, takes off his pants (it’s hot!) and fires up the laptop to do some writing.
Two minutes later, FL3 bursts in without knocking, bringing the foreigner’s socks. She is still in a good mood, and apparently unconcerned that the foreigner is in his boxers.
FL3: “Here you go!”
Foreigner: “Thank you!”
FL3, not skipping a beat: “So, do you want a girl?”
Foreigner: “No, thank you!”

Scene 3

Five minutes later. The foreigner has not learned to either lock his door or put on pants. Floor Lady 4 bursts into the room. Unlike FLs1-3, she is neither friendly nor pitiful. She is just mean.

FL4: “You need to pay your bill.”
Foreigner: “I know. I tried this morning but they didn’t have change at the reception. If they take manat I can pay that way.”
FL4: “Of course we can take manat.”
Foreigner: “OK, how much?”
Foreigner, to himself: “Well, I paid $20 for last night, which should be equivalent to about 16 manat.”
FL4: “Six manat.”
Foreigner, pulling out his wallet: “OK.”
Foreigner, to himself: “Damn, clearly I didn’t bargain enough yesterday…”
FL4: “Eight manat.”
Foreigner: “Wait, you said six.”
FL4, quickly: “Twelve manat.”
FL4: Calls out to the hallway, something in Azeri. A man in the hallway answers, in Azeri.
FL4: “Twenty manat.”
Foreigner: “OK, I paid $20 for last night. What is that in manat?”
FL4: “Twenty dollars is twenty manat.”
Foreigner: “No it’s not! It’s more like 16 manat!”
FL4: “The bill is 10 shirvan, that’s 20 manat.”
Foreigner, to himself: “Why do they use this shirvan thing – it’s just two manat!”
Foreigner: “I know 10 shirvan is 20 manat, but 20 manat is not $20.”

Foreigner and FL4 repeat the previous lines in various permutations many, many times

FL4, very angry: “Go downstairs and talk to the reception about it!”
Foreigner, very angry, puts on his pants…

Scene 4

Five minutes later, at the reception

Foreigner: “I need to pay my bill. How much is it in manat?”
Receptionist: “Twenty manat.”
Foreigner: “But last night I paid $20. What is that in manat?”
Receptionist, smiling brightly: “Twenty dollars is twenty manat…”

Exeunt.

Comments

[Azer]

LOL. Welcome to Ripoffland in which simple maths rules don't work. I'm afraid it's only the beginning. Don't go crazy, though, and in no circumstances have sex in Ganja, unless you are indifferent to a venereal bouquet.

I have a friend, a Brit, who had to stay in hospital in Baku for 4 days. They overcharged him by £300, equivalent of $600. If not his insurance, I bet he would have been a lot more angry than you are now.

[zuru]

yeap, the story sounds too familiar to me as well. Just replace "Kapaz" for "Hotel Azerbaijan", in Baku.

Even the 60 year old floor Dezhurnaya(sorry for the spelling) was offering me sex..